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Cutting Fitness: Best of the Worst – Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up

Cutting Fitness: Best of the Worst – Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up

It’s time for the first another episode of Best of the Worst: Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up. Each week I’ll share two of the best of the worst fitness blogs I’ve found. I’ll provide a brief quote to show how bad the blog post is. Go there and read the rest at your own peril. I won’t come to rescue you…

‘You Are Not Bound by a Number’ by Diane, FIT TO THE FINISH

“I’d encourage you to set goals that are appropriate for yourself, but don’t be bound by the magic number […] your “inner voice” knows what is a healthy weight for you.” – Fit To The Finish, Source.

Unfortunately for Diane, this is some terrible advice. The rest of the blog post was even worse.

It’s easy to ignore the scale, measurements, and percentages, but this is the WRONG thing to do. When you obsess over figures and dates, you get depressed if you don’t meet impossible expectations. You’ll reach a number you assumed would make you happy, but it doesn’t, so you’ll just binge your way back to your starting weight. You’ll feel even worse as the lost fat returns, but you shouldn’t because regaining after weight loss is an achievement. That’s why so many do it! Repeat the regain process like other dieters do: Fat and thin, up and down, back and forth, forever and ever.

Yes, others like Diane think there’s more to life than freaking out over numbers. You could focus on general fitness, happiness, health, and various other goals you achieved on your fitness journey. Maybe your endurance is better than ever. Maybe you didn’t overeat for five consecutive days. Maybe you walked across town instead of driving. There are always more non-weight related successes to celebrate, which means there are many chances to feel proud. It shows that so many good things can happen whether the scale rewards you or not…Is there more to life than your weight?

Nah! That’s a load of nonsense!

See what Diane’s done? Her positive, inspirational blog is corrupting my mind. Help!

Even More Weight Loss Tips and Tricks‘ by Jack, JACK SH*T, GETTIN’ FIT

“One way to get more exercise while sitting on the sofa and watching TV is to get up and go exercise.” – Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, Source.

Need I say more? This fitness humour should be against the law…

Jack shares more on the blog post, but it’ll make you laugh so don’t go there! Even worse, when you look past the humour you realise he’s actually giving great advice. Jack, you disappoint me! We can’t have people following such good advice and getting fit. This messes with the diet industry’s plan for world domination! Instead, learn the lessons he disguised behind wit, and do the opposite. This will help you fall way off the wagon and regain lots of fat ASAP!

That’s it for today. There’ll be more next week.

PS. If I don’t post next week it means I’ve either forgotten or been kidnapped by Diane and Jack as revenge for showing how terribly motivational their blogs are (Yuck!!!!!!). Oh well. I’ll be back….

Cutting Fitness: 5 Ways To Do Intuitive Eating Wrong!

Cutting Fitness: 5 Ways To Do Intuitive Eating Wrong!

Counting calories sucks! All that measuring, weighing, counting, and tracking leads to severe feelings of deprivation. You can’t eat this and you can’t eat that because you’re obsessing over macronutrients all the time. First you start with only counting calories. Soon you move on to tracking carbs, protein, and fat. Then you freak out if your Vitamin A/B/C/D/Q (?) is too low. You know you’ll just DIE if you don’t get enough Iron and Calcium and…

Thank goodness there’s another way….a better way…a new way…INTUITIVE EATING, the close friend of PORTION CONTROL. Finally fat people have discovered the closely guarded secret of the naturally skinny. Will it work for us? There’s only one way to find out…

Here are 5 Easy Steps to Intuitive Eating. Enjoy!

Step One – Binge

You’ve probably heard that Intuitive Eating involves only eating when you’re hungry. So-called experts say you should wait for ‘true’ hunger before eating. True hunger is your stomach grumbling, you feeling faint, you getting grouchy, etc. False hunger is your brain saying it’s time to eat or craving some food you’ve just smelt. Apparently this is what naturally skinny people do. Well, screw them all! Do I sound jealous? I totally am, damn it am not. Not at all.

Instead of copying what slim Intuitive Eaters do, follow fat ones. First of all, overweight people who follow Intuitive Eating binge. Decide what type of binge eater you’ll are, and overeat. Clear out the fridge. Go to buffets and devour everything on the table…You might eat the table too, but that’s a tad weird if you’re still sober. Eat whatever you like! Be free of nutrition labels! Eat to your heart’s content!

2. HUGE Portions Only

Intuitive Eaters avoid counting calories by only eating reasonable portions. They might take a fist-sized portion of whatever they want to eat and not eat seconds unless they’re still hungry. This is supposed to stop them from overeating. They consume enough for their size and weight, and nothing more. I’ve got a better idea…

Why have a fist-sized portion when you can enjoy a thigh-sized portion instead? Yes, you read that correctly. Take thigh-sized portions of everything you eat. As you lose weight your thigh will get smaller, and so will your portions. Smaller portions means less calories, which is handy because your metabolism decreases as you get smaller. Don’t worry about getting bigger plates. Just stack your food sky high or go back for seconds, thirds, tenths, hundredths, etc.

3. Unhealthy Food

Intuitive Eaters mostly eat healthy food. They say Intuitive Eating healthy, natural, unrefined food leaves us more satisfied and fuller than high calorie junk you wouldn’t feed a street rat. Apparently, this wholesome food also curbs cravings for unhealthy, refined junk because healthy stuff provides everything we need. Yeah, sure…

Would you rather have a burger or a salad? I agree. Yes, you could have a colourful, nutritional, filling, tasty salad with a meaty side dish…but I know you’d rather have a greasy, oily, vomit-inducing burger full of ingredients you can’t pronounce and didn’t know existed. If you see a salad, run for the hills, and beyond if the salad gives chase!

4. Live To Eat – Eat Until You Die

Usually Intuitive Eating involves breaking the connection between you and food. If you’re an emotional eater you probably eat to ease stress, numb your feelings, etc. Only eating to fuel your body means you’ve got to confront your problems and deal with them. In theory, you’ll become a fitter and stronger person, physically and mentally, because you’ve solved your problems AND broken your food addiction. Phew! The logical nonsense is over…

People say you should ‘Eat to live’, but I always say you should ‘Live to eat’. Plan your entire being around your next meal. Fantasise all day about dinner. Dream at night about breakfast. Let lunch be the highlight of your day, week, and even your year. Food will come first before anything else, including family, friends, and health. Live to eat until you die.

5. Stuff Your Stomach

Intuitive Eating is ‘intuitive’, so you should stop eating before you feel uncomfortably full. Some people even stop before they’re full. Over time, your stomach shrinks to compensate for having less food. A smaller stomach gets full quicker, so you’ll naturally eat less in time. Bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s much better to stuff your stomach. If you’ve got a flat stomach with sexy abs, you’re doing this fitness jazz all wrong. Eat until you look pregnant (second trimester). The extra food will stretch out your stomach so it fits more food inside, which means it’ll take longer to get full. This means you’ll eat more and more over time until you’ve regained all the weight and then some. There’s no shame in this. Just join one of the ‘Fat and Happy’ crews lurking somewhere.

Of course this intuitive lifestyle also applies to drinking water and being active. Who craves water like people crave alcohol and fruit juice? No one! Who jumps out of bed each morning to run 2 miles before work because they like it? No one! If you want water, drink it, but I bet you won’t. If you want to exercise, do it, but I bet you won’t. Just chill out and go back to the old habits that made you fat in the first place.

Intuitive Eating is definitely for everyone, no matter whether you’re losing fat, gaining weight or maintaining a healthy size. Trust your body and believe it will show you the right path to that size 30 bikini. No big deal.

Cutting Fitness: Free Your Inner Animal! Animal Fitness Exclusive!

Cutting Fitness: Free Your Inner Animal! Animal Fitness Exclusive!

Animal Fitness Exclusive!

With paleo and primal fitness taking the world by storm,  I decided to cash in delve into this topic. In short, paleo and primal fitness involves going back to our roots. Not our parents or grandparents, but cavemen and prehistoric ancestors. Paleo and primal living means you eat and exercise freely, not obsessively, and cut down, or out, certain foods like grains and carbs. In contrast with most fitness programs, paleo and primal living are the ultimate freedom…

Okay, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get down to business!

If you’re going back to your roots, go ALL THE WAY! The cavemen and gals weren’t here first. Animals were. How many unfit dinosaurs were there? Exactly! Obviously animals know how to keep slim and trim, but which animal sets the best example? Cheetahs? Horses? Dogs? Don’t be silly! The obvious choices are…

1. SLOTHS: Slow as a Sloth!

Animal Fitness‘s exercise routine is simple because there isn’t one. No fitness charts for the next 60 days. No reps, sets, and exercises to memorise. No getting out of breath. No getting sweaty. Anyone can do this because there is only ONE, easy rule: Slow down.

To follow the way of the sloth, move slowly so you’ve got time to absorb your surroundings. Sloths move as fast as 2 metres per minute. In today’s fast paced world, it’s nice to have time to enjoy just being. Don’t move too quickly or you’ll burn lots of calories and end up with a hot, sexy body that’s perfect for the beach. We don’t want that! Move slower to lower your metabolism. A sluggish metabolism makes it harder to lose weight. This is brilliant for everyone who wants lose weight! Keep fighting!

2. ELEPHANTS: Eat like an Elephant!

Animal Fitness‘s nutrition is easy and enjoyable. There’s no low carb, low protein, low fat, low calorie, etc plans to follow. You won’t cut out meat, grains, fruit, food, etc. You won’t have to be non-alcoholic. Every animal does Intuitive Eating like this, not calorie counting or portion watching. Eat and drink to your heart’s desire like your pets do!

To follow the way of the elephant, elephants eat 300kg (approx 600lbs) a day. No more turning down tasty food or drinks. Eat, eat, and drink. It feels great when food in your stomach weighs more than you! My body weighs 135lbs right now, but stepping on the scale to see 700lbs+ always makes me smile. Last week the scale broke when I stepped on…Anyway, with my sloth-like metabolism, it’ll take a week for food to make it through my digestive system. Brilliant backlog!

3. CHAMELEONS: Commit like a Chameleon!

The so-called experts say we should commit to ONE routine for 4-6 weeks while it works it’s magic. What’s the alternative? Do a new workout every session, but eventually that gets boring too. What’s the right alternative? Animal Fitness! It takes a varied healthy lifestyle to a whole new level.

Chameleons blend with their surroundings. That’s the Animal Fitness way! If someone is jogging down the street, start jogging too. If someone is binge eating, stuff your face too. If someone is regaining, get fat again too. Make sure that you don’t stand out! Individuals do whatever it takes to get fit. They’re the ones with a six pack and gorgeous figure. Screw them! Why hit the gym with hot abs when you can be fat and unhappy with friends? Aw, good times…

So the next time you hear that Paleo nonsense or get the urge to Grok on Primal style, stick your fingers in your ears and run…slowly like a sloth. When you get home, eat everything in the kitchen like an elephant would. If you run out of food, binge at the supermarket instead. Don’t exercise unless others are – remember, chameleons aren’t individuals – and don’t go overboard or you’ll burn off the 600lbs of food!