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Cutting Fitness: 5 Ways To Do Intuitive Eating Wrong!

Cutting Fitness: 5 Ways To Do Intuitive Eating Wrong!

Counting calories sucks! All that measuring, weighing, counting, and tracking leads to severe feelings of deprivation. You can’t eat this and you can’t eat that because you’re obsessing over macronutrients all the time. First you start with only counting calories. Soon you move on to tracking carbs, protein, and fat. Then you freak out if your Vitamin A/B/C/D/Q (?) is too low. You know you’ll just DIE if you don’t get enough Iron and Calcium and…

Thank goodness there’s another way….a better way…a new way…INTUITIVE EATING, the close friend of PORTION CONTROL. Finally fat people have discovered the closely guarded secret of the naturally skinny. Will it work for us? There’s only one way to find out…

Here are 5 Easy Steps to Intuitive Eating. Enjoy!

Step One – Binge

You’ve probably heard that Intuitive Eating involves only eating when you’re hungry. So-called experts say you should wait for ‘true’ hunger before eating. True hunger is your stomach grumbling, you feeling faint, you getting grouchy, etc. False hunger is your brain saying it’s time to eat or craving some food you’ve just smelt. Apparently this is what naturally skinny people do. Well, screw them all! Do I sound jealous? I totally am, damn it am not. Not at all.

Instead of copying what slim Intuitive Eaters do, follow fat ones. First of all, overweight people who follow Intuitive Eating binge. Decide what type of binge eater you’ll are, and overeat. Clear out the fridge. Go to buffets and devour everything on the table…You might eat the table too, but that’s a tad weird if you’re still sober. Eat whatever you like! Be free of nutrition labels! Eat to your heart’s content!

2. HUGE Portions Only

Intuitive Eaters avoid counting calories by only eating reasonable portions. They might take a fist-sized portion of whatever they want to eat and not eat seconds unless they’re still hungry. This is supposed to stop them from overeating. They consume enough for their size and weight, and nothing more. I’ve got a better idea…

Why have a fist-sized portion when you can enjoy a thigh-sized portion instead? Yes, you read that correctly. Take thigh-sized portions of everything you eat. As you lose weight your thigh will get smaller, and so will your portions. Smaller portions means less calories, which is handy because your metabolism decreases as you get smaller. Don’t worry about getting bigger plates. Just stack your food sky high or go back for seconds, thirds, tenths, hundredths, etc.

3. Unhealthy Food

Intuitive Eaters mostly eat healthy food. They say Intuitive Eating healthy, natural, unrefined food leaves us more satisfied and fuller than high calorie junk you wouldn’t feed a street rat. Apparently, this wholesome food also curbs cravings for unhealthy, refined junk because healthy stuff provides everything we need. Yeah, sure…

Would you rather have a burger or a salad? I agree. Yes, you could have a colourful, nutritional, filling, tasty salad with a meaty side dish…but I know you’d rather have a greasy, oily, vomit-inducing burger full of ingredients you can’t pronounce and didn’t know existed. If you see a salad, run for the hills, and beyond if the salad gives chase!

4. Live To Eat – Eat Until You Die

Usually Intuitive Eating involves breaking the connection between you and food. If you’re an emotional eater you probably eat to ease stress, numb your feelings, etc. Only eating to fuel your body means you’ve got to confront your problems and deal with them. In theory, you’ll become a fitter and stronger person, physically and mentally, because you’ve solved your problems AND broken your food addiction. Phew! The logical nonsense is over…

People say you should ‘Eat to live’, but I always say you should ‘Live to eat’. Plan your entire being around your next meal. Fantasise all day about dinner. Dream at night about breakfast. Let lunch be the highlight of your day, week, and even your year. Food will come first before anything else, including family, friends, and health. Live to eat until you die.

5. Stuff Your Stomach

Intuitive Eating is ‘intuitive’, so you should stop eating before you feel uncomfortably full. Some people even stop before they’re full. Over time, your stomach shrinks to compensate for having less food. A smaller stomach gets full quicker, so you’ll naturally eat less in time. Bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s much better to stuff your stomach. If you’ve got a flat stomach with sexy abs, you’re doing this fitness jazz all wrong. Eat until you look pregnant (second trimester). The extra food will stretch out your stomach so it fits more food inside, which means it’ll take longer to get full. This means you’ll eat more and more over time until you’ve regained all the weight and then some. There’s no shame in this. Just join one of the ‘Fat and Happy’ crews lurking somewhere.

Of course this intuitive lifestyle also applies to drinking water and being active. Who craves water like people crave alcohol and fruit juice? No one! Who jumps out of bed each morning to run 2 miles before work because they like it? No one! If you want water, drink it, but I bet you won’t. If you want to exercise, do it, but I bet you won’t. Just chill out and go back to the old habits that made you fat in the first place.

Intuitive Eating is definitely for everyone, no matter whether you’re losing fat, gaining weight or maintaining a healthy size. Trust your body and believe it will show you the right path to that size 30 bikini. No big deal. 

Photo: Image courtesy of Films42/pixabay.com.

Cutting Fitness: The PERFECT DIET: Fat, Protein, and Carbs Edition

Cutting Fitness: The PERFECT DIET: Fat, Protein, and Carbs Edition

I received countless emails from fans requesting how to construct the PERFECT DIET by balancing macro-nutrients (protein, fat, and carbs). I usually charge $40,000 annually or £99.99 per min for my expertise, but I’ll share my knowledge exclusively on Cutting Fitness for FREE because I’m in a good mood. Anyway, before I share the PERFECT DIET, I’m going to share what led to its conception.

It all started one hour ago when I read a weight loss e-book (yes, I’m still losing the last 15-20lbs! Don’t ask why it’s gone from ’10-15lbs’ to ’15-20lbs’. Remember the following famous passage: Thou shalt not be nosy by prying into other people’s business when it’s got nothing to do with you. You’re not perfect, so stop being so judgmental!). BACK ON TOPIC: The diet book’s author said a high protein, high fat, low carb diet is the perfect macro-nutrient ratio for weight loss.

“Great! You mean like Atkins, right?” I thought. “I’ll cut out bread, rice, vegetables, and fruit…but I’ll miss those tasty pancakes!”

Simple: HIGH protein, HIGH fat, LOW carb

There you have it! The Perfect….WAIT A MINUTE!

Another diet book said too much protein is bad for you. It causes a build up of ketones, which causes bad breath, body odour, etc. Also, carbs give you energy – your brain loves them! – so reduce protein instead. Eating lots of carbs means you’ll have the energy to exercise (Yippee…). Lose the fat too! Does overeating fat to lose fat sound logical? Exactly.

Simple: LOW protein,  LOW fat, HIGH carb

Easy peasy! Now you know….HOLD IT, SISTER!

Atkins and Ketogenic Diets show that even though carbs are evil, going low carb causes fast weight loss. Why lose 1 pound a week when you could lose 5? Low carb diets cause fast results because carbs hold onto water from food, water (Duh!), salt/sodium, etc. Eat less carbs to lower your ‘water weight’. Who cares if the 5 pounds lost aren’t all fat? Hopefully at least 1 pound is!

Simple: LOW protein, LOW fat, LOW carb

Are we done yet? NOT SO FAST, CHICO!

If you want to build some nice toned muscles, you’ll need lots of protein. The protein repairs and builds the muscles so they’re stronger and sexier than ever before. Go too low on protein and your muscles will be non-existent and your body will use any extra calories eaten, for muscle gain, to make fat instead. One more thing: you’ll need extra fat too. Some discover eating extra protein doesn’t work half as well without extra fat! The good news? Eating more fat keeps you fuller for longer, so you won’t stuff your face like a pig anymore. Yes, you probably will.

Simple: HIGH protein, HIGH fat, LOW carb

Um…do you see our little problem? We’ve gone back to square one! See how misinformed other ‘professionals’ are? They can’t agree on something so simple. High this and low that turns into low this and high that overnight! At least now you’ve got me to reveal the right path.

So, the question is this: In the PERFECT DIET, should you eat high/low protein, fat or carbs?

I could have said the best option is to eat all three in moderation. Eat whatever you feel like on the day. Do your thing. Go with the flow, my brother. As long as the ratio of protein, fat, and carbs is moderate, you’ve got nothing to fear. Going to extremes in anything is generally a bad idea. Your body loves protein, fat, and carbs, so you should love them all too! If you prefer extreme high/low ratios for whatever reason, e.g. you’ve got an allergy or illness extreme ratios could ease or eradicate, then experiment and stick with dietary ratios suitable for YOU, not me or someone less beautiful. Just be careful, all right?

But I won’t say that garbage! It was too boring and quite long winded!

“So,” you ask again, “should I eat high/low protein, fat or carbs? What’s the PERFECT DIET?”

“Well, my child,” I say. “If you read this blog PROPERLY then you’d see I don’t know! I’m as confused as you are. Stop pestering me for so much information, all right? Just leave me alone for a few days. I need to meditate…”

“But at the start you promised to share your knowledge!” you hiss. “Did you lie, Zahra? Did you waste my time for no friggin’ reason?”

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” I say, backing away slowly. “Speaking of this blog’s introduction, I also wrote I charge $40,000 annually for my expertise, so pay up!” 

Photo: Image courtesy of mojzagrebinfo/pixabay.com.

Cutting Fitness: 5 Reasons Why Carbs Are EVIL!!!!!!!!

Cutting Fitness: 5 Reasons Why Carbs Are EVIL!!!!!!!!

Yes, evil. Almost as bad as the devil herself.

Atkins and bodybuilders advocate the no or low carb approach to losing weight. Keeping carbs low means your body has to find fuel alternatives, which could be fat if you eat enough fat and protein.

If you want to get fit, ditch those carbs!

Here are 5 reasons why carbs are EVIL!!!!!!!!!!

  1. They provide energy.
  2. They fuel your brain.
  3. They taste good.
  4. They are healthy.
  5. They boost your metabolism.

See? It’s worse than you thought!

Be energised

Run! Skip! Hop! Jump! Evil carbs give you energy. When you start to miss being lazy, those pesky carbs give you a mental and physical boost! You feel like you can do anything. This is terrible. Exercise already gives you a boost, so why do you need another one?

Stick with exercise OR carbs. Usually people include both, but, as usual, they’re wrong and I’m right. Too much energy could be dangerous…Maybe.

Unfortunately, energetic people burn more calories. They walk, rollerblade, or cycle to work when normal people get deep vein thrombosis because they’ve been stuck in traffic for hours. Energetic people keep their homes clean and tidy while dozy people live amongst dirt and clutter until a search party rescues them. Energetic people do 20mins of intense exercise followed by 40mins more while lazy bums people pass out after that 5sec trek from the couch to the TV.

Don’t you miss not having energy?

Be able to think

Carbs fuel the brain, so logic says you should eat carbs to think right. Wrong! The world doesn’t care about thinking straight or being a genius. Smarty-pants like scientists, doctors, and lawyers do well for society, but airhead supermodels, athletes, and reality TV stars make millions for themselves!

Carbs = High IQ, Medium salary, Low self-esteem

No carbs = High salary, High self-esteem, No IQ

Cutting out carbs doesn’t affect me, personally. Cutting out carbs doesn’t affect me, personally.

Did I just stutter?

Healthy food that tastes great

Ridiculous. You’re trying to regain all the weight you lost when suddenly healthy food starts to taste nice. How selfish can Mother Nature be? The old cow grows horrible treats like grapes, apples, broccoli, etc. Soon you’ll be so busy eating those juicy sickening foods that you’ll miss out on sloppy pizza, salty fries, and ‘Eugh, what is that?’ burgers!

Contrary to what health professionals say, you shouldn’t lose weight eating tasty food. Vomit-inducing meals are better because they force you to meet your goal quickly, so you can binge on junk food again. If meals are tasty then you want more, which isn’t good when you’re trying to get skinny.

Tasty food = BINGE!

Barf food = BONES!

A faster metabolism

Worst of all, apparently carbs boost your metabolism. I feel sick just thinking about it…

Your metabolism drops as you lose weight because you’re smaller. This means you’ve got to eat less and/or exercise more to keep losing otherwise you’ll lose less each week until you enter THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT LOSS STALL OF DOOM, also known as a ‘weight loss plateau’.

Too bad. This is part of weight loss, so get over it! Stop cheating by gaining muscle, exercising, and eating Devil’s carbs. It’s not fair!

As you can see, carbs are EVIL!!!!!!! Some might say these bad reasons are actually positives, but they aren’t. They show why everyone should remove carbs from everything they eat. This only leaves things like water, but at least you’re losing fat, right? Who wants to be energetic, smart, eat delicious, healthy meals, and boost their metabolism? Not me. I’m too busy regaining the 80lbs I lost.

Photo: Image courtesy of silviarita/pixabay.com.