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How NOT To Deal With Anxiety

How NOT To Deal With Anxiety

The world has been waiting for this information. After years of not researching, I’ve come to no conclusion whatsoever. But I had to write something so, here it is! The one you haven’t been waiting for…How NOT To Deal With Anxiety!

Drugs

Drugs and alcohol are great ways to manage anxiety. You’ll be so drunk and so high that you won’t feel any fears! Just make you’re a functioning alcoholic or you won’t be able to hide your dependency on alcohol. If it gets really bad, you might lose your job, your family and, worse case scenario, your life, but it’s worth it. Dead people fear nothing because the worst has already happened.

sad white man
Image courtesy of Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hide

Morons suggest facing your fears. They say fear is just you overreacting to something that might be minor. Rubbish! Don’t beat fear by facing it, run and hide somewhere, anywhere, as long as you don’t face the problem. Hiding away is easy. Go into your room and stay there. See? Simple. Stay in there until you have to leave, you know, to eat, drink, use the potty, cut the grass, etc. Then back to your special hiding place. Keep doing this for the rest of your existence, I mean, your “life”.

Be alone

So-called experts recommend that you visit so-called experts. Nonsense. Don’t tell others that you’re struggling, keep it all inside. Then you can suffer in silence until you explode. By “explode” I mean lose it. No one will know why you’ve lost the plot, but that doesn’t matter. They’ll just think you’re _____ or a ______ and keep their distance. You’ll be even more alone after that. It’s a cycle that ends with you dying alone, but at least no one forced/ helped you deal with anxiety.

Distract yourself

Music, meditation, exercise, etc give a short-term fix. That’s much better than doing something that’ll beat anxiety forever. Keep distracting yourself until it attacks again…and again. After avoiding the problem for so long, you won’t ¬†know how to deal with it but that’s too bad. Have another panic attack and return to more pointless distractions.

Prescription drugs

There’s a pill for almost everything, even if they don’t work. Instead of learning how to deal with anxiety, take a pill. Every day. For the rest of your life. How easy is that? Sure, if you don’t have free healthcare then it won’t come cheap. And you’ll have to experiment to find the right brand, dosage, etc. And there’s no guarantee it’ll work for you. And there might be crappy side effects like that numb feeling of feeling nothing. Yay! No more anxiety or sadness…or happiness, euphoria, pleasure, etc. Still, it’s worth it. I’d rather feel nothing than ever have good days again.

Suicide

When you can’t get any higher, drunker, and there’s nowhere left to hide…suicide. Here are 3 great reasons why you should kill yourself today.

Honestly, these are the best ways to make your life much worse. Anxiety and fear feed off drugs, distractions, and being hidden away. If you want to overcome anxiety for good, go elsewhere. Otherwise, use these tips to make your anxiety much worse.

Important Note: This post was sarcasm. If you’re using these tips, stop and try this instead.

How NOT To Have Good Self-Esteem

How NOT To Have Good Self-Esteem

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There are people out there who love themselves. They like the way they look, dress, live, etc. They have the good life and they know it.

Sucks, doesn’t it?

You want to be them, but it’s not working out. Good. You don’t want to be one of those blissfully happy people. It’s much better to be miserable, depressed, sad, etc. Life isn’t supposed to be good. That’s why it’s short; so you don’t suffer for long.

So you’ve got to maintain the misery…but how?

“Nobody’s perfect. Not even you.” – Zada Green (Me!!!!!!!)

I have the perfect life. I never feel sad, never get hurt (physically or mentally), never lose, never cry, never say never. I don’t know what bad days are and don’t care yet I still hate myself, but why?

Because perfection hurts.

Everything must be planned way in advance. I can’t ever make a mistake. If I do, I fix it before anyone realises. No one can know I’m not perfect. An error is my dirty little secret. Or someone else’s fault.

So what’s this got to do with self-esteem?

It’s hard to be perfect. It means you can’t make any mistakes EVER. If you do, you’ve got to beat the crap out of yourself. I mean literally beat the crap outta yourself (with words). A polite “At least I tried” doesn’t cut it. “It’s the taking part that counts” is for kids. “The calm before the storm” doesn’t apply unless you’re on a boat. People with good self-esteem are nice to themselves, so do the opposite. If you can’t love yourself, no one else can.

Be unlovable.

So what’s the best way to kill your self-esteem?

Be negative.

Criticise yourself every day, even doing the smallest things. Brush again, you missed a tooth. Refill the glass, you spilt a drop. Exercise for hours, you overate by two calories. Punish all your imperfections. Magnify them so the whole world knows. When people encourage you, remove them from your circle. No positive talk allowed.

So how do you know what’s a flaw?

EVERYTHING is flawed, but if you’re a bit slow then you’ll need some inspiration.

The best way to uncover your flaws is by looking at celebrities. See them on photo shoots, in movies, in music videos, etc. DO NOT look at them in their day-to-day lives. You’ll see imperfections, realise they’re ‘normal, imperfect, average Joes, human’ like you, and feel good about yourself.

Always compare yourself to fake images. Idolise people who have been airbrushed, had surgery, wear tons of make-up, take photos in the best clothes under the best lighting at the best angles with the best photographer at the best location. Sure, you can’t look like them without a team of professionals, but that’s the point. You never will, and knowing this will destroy you inside.

Trust me. Chasing an impossible dream is the fastest way to low self-esteem.

Good luck! You have the power to be miserable! Just believe!

Disclaimer: This post was sarcasm. If you’re following this advice, stop.

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net