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Cutting Fitness: The Worst Fitness Machines are the Best!

Cutting Fitness: The Worst Fitness Machines are the Best!

After I finished The Worst Personal Trainers are the Best! I looked across the room and saw my mum’s old elliptical. It’s just as dusty and unused as you’d expect a fitness machine to be.

“And…?” you ask.

“Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point,” I say, rolling my eyes as I ban your IP address from my blog.

My mum doesn’t use the machine. I don’t use the machine. My dog might use it when she’s home alone, but you can’t prove such things…Anyway, despite not using the machine I’ve still lost close to 80lbs! In conclusion, not using a fitness machine burned 80lbs of fat off my body! This got me thinking, what else should a fitness machine not do?

Read on.

Here are five criteria your fitness machine MUST meet. If it doesn’t, send it to me. Don’t worry. You can pay the postage and handling fees, really, I don’t mind.

Lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes!

You could lose 10 lbs in 5-10 weeks if you were a tortoise, or you could shift that fat in 10 minutes like a hare! The worst fitness machines make unrealistic promises they’ll never fulfil. Of course the actual machine doesn’t speak, but on the adverts the host lies so well that you’re almost fooled. By ‘almost’ I mean at least enough to buy the product and try it for weeks until you realise you were foolish to invest in something that wasn’t ever going to do what it said on the tin because when it’s too good to be true it’s too good to be true which means it’s too good to be true.  Phew! Buy the machine anyway. Why? Because you’ll quickly get frustrated by the lack of results and gain the weight back, which is the best thing for everyone.

Effort? That’s for losers!

Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings…but I’m right. Why make an effort when you can have an easy ride? The best fitness machines do the work for you. The elliptical is a great example! The momentum means you do less work, which means you burn less calories, which means you have to work out for longer! Why do more work when you can do more work? If the machine makes you break a sweat, get off before you mess up your hair!

Made in China

Note: I’m not being racist. I have Chinese ancestry. Yes, there are black people in China.

The diet industry pushes tough, durable machines that will last until the end of time. Is this a good thing? Of course not! A better machine means a higher price. Why pay more when you don’t have to? Always get the cheap machines, preferably the ones made of plastic. It’s fun when you buy a machine, it breaks, and you have to replace it…again and again…and again. If a cheap machine causes injury, it’s your own fault for putting in so much effort!

One body part

Speaking of expensive machines, the ones that work the entire body are REALLY expensive. Always get a machine that works ONE body part. Two if you’re stubborn. Three if you’re not paying attention. If you want a full body workout, ask yourself why? We always have one part we don’t like (mine is my pinky fingers), so focus on that and the rest will take care of themselves, hopefully. To work the other body parts just buy more machines, but remember each one must work ONE part of your body e.g. a knee. “It’ll be too expensive to have ten fitness machines!” you whinge like a cry baby. “Not if they’re made in China,” I say, pointing at the previous paragraph you obviously skipped over!!!

That’s it. Those are the five criteria every bad good fitness machine should meet. If yours doesn’t, get a refund or recycle it. Don’t give it to charity. Just don’t.

 

PS. If you’re wondering why I only gave four criteria, stop being such a smart a–. It’s just not that serious. If it bothers you so much, write your own fifth criteria here:

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Cutting Fitness: The Worst Personal Trainers are the Best!

Cutting Fitness: The Worst Personal Trainers are the Best!

Jillian Michaels on the Biggest Loser. Coach Nicole on Sparkpeople. Mr. Motivator on British television. They have made a major impact on fitness one way or another, but what else do they have in common?

They are some of the worst personal trainers out there. Why? Because they’re good.

Has Zada gone crazy? Not yet. No. Hear me out before you judge.

The diet industry thrives on people who repeatedly lose and gain weight forever. Successful maintainers don’t make enough money for companies selling diet products. Diet pills and fad diets are meant to keep you unfit. This shows that the diet industry can’t be trusted.

Who works within the diet industry? Personal trainers!

This means they can’t be trusted either. The more successful they get, the deeper into the industry they go. This means you must avoid the ‘best’ personal trainers at all costs! Go for the ‘worst’ ones instead.

Here are five traits to look out for. If your personal trainer doesn’t satisfy these points, RUN, or just hire someone else!

1. She doesn’t listen.

The best personal trainers ignore everything you say. Even better, she gives the illusion that she’s listening, but has already decided what program she’ll put you on. You say you hate the treadmill, she’ll advise you to run on it for an hour a day. You can’t swim? She tells you to swim twenty laps three times a week. You feel hungry on 1600 calories a day, she tells you to eat 1200 calories. It’s great when your fitness program is clearly tailored to someone else. Sorry, but your needs aren’t important.

2. She’s not qualified.

Neither am I, and you can see how great my advice is…She was going to get qualified, but she spent the money on a holiday to Jamaica instead. She registered with a YMCA Personal Trainer Course, but didn’t show up because she would’ve missed her hair appointment. Anyway, she doesn’t need to be qualified! Yes, your health is at stake, but it’s your health, not hers, so why should she care? If you think a fitness qualification is so important, why haven’t you got one?

3. She acts like Hitler’s long lost, twice removed, distant step-sister.

Picture this. You’ve just finished a forty-five minute run on the treadmill. Worn out after working so hard, it’s time to cool down, stretch, and go home to rest.

When you leave the gym area, your personal trainer is blocking the door to the changing room. You try to slip past, but she won’t move. She points at the treadmill and asks, “Why did you stop?”

“I’m tired,” you say, mopping your sweaty brow.

“Get back on and give me another two hours!”  she shouts.  “Then give me one hundred push ups, two hundred crunches, and three hundred lunges. That’ll teach you for being so darn lazy!”

Feeling embarrassed, and a bit scared, you follow orders. Two hours later you almost collapse halfway through the push ups set, and pass out on your third lunge. Fantastic! You’ve shown how dedicated you are. You’ll have unbearable cramp and spasms for the next three months, but a flat stomach is worth it! Exercising for hours everyday works on the Biggest Loser, right? Soon you’ll be a winner too!

The point is, she’s going to make you HATE exercise. You won’t just dread it on those cold winter mornings when you’d rather snuggle up in bed, or the times when everyone else is lazing about stuffing their faces. Now you’ll cringe when you hear, “Exercise.” You’ll cry when you hear, “Workout.” You’ll leave town when you hear, “Dumbbell”. Don’t listen to anyone who says exercise should be manageable. They lie!

4. She’s hot, but unhealthy.

She’s got an AMAZING body, but eats two tic tacs a day and exercises from 9-5. Who cares about health, right? It’s better to be skinny in a string bikini and drop dead at 25yrs old than a slim person and die old and wrinkly surrounded by loved ones. When she does anything unhealthy, copy her. If she doesn’t stretch after working out, don’t stretch. If she doesn’t drink water after an exercise class, don’t go anywhere near that water fountain. If she falls ill because her bad habits are doing her harm, hire another personal trainer ASAP. You’ve got a goal weight to reach, there’s no time to waste!

5. She’s boring.

After a terrible induction she charged you for, your personal trainer hands you the schedule you must follow to get Beyonce’s body before the summer. For the first month, you’ll do one hour of aerobics every day. The second month, one hour of aerobics every day. The third month, one hour of aerobics every day. The fourth month…

*Snores*

Bored? Good! You don’t want a personal trainer who keeps you interested! The gym isn’t a cinema, shopping mall, or party. If you want entertainment, stay home and watch TV. All your trainer cares about is burning calories.

In the simplest terms:

Home = Fun, Joy, Happiness, Love, Smiles, Laughter

Gym = Boredom, Boredom, Sweat, Boredom, Boring

If your personal trainer doesn’t meet every point, exterminate (that’s not a typo!) the contract ASAP. She’s not working for you, she’s working for the diet industry, the government, the man, and the Illuminati (Don’t read the last part or they’ll get me!).

Beware of ‘good’ personal trainers! They spend thousands of dollars on getting qualified, act nice and understanding when you want to talk, promote a healthy lifestyle over looking hot and sexy, and make fitness fun instead of utterly boring because they want you to stay FAT (or THIN) forever. If you met your goal then you wouldn’t need them anymore, so it doesn’t make good business sense to help you out. There has to be an ulterior motive…

What now?

1. If your personal trainer is ‘good’, FIRE HER.

2. Hire her replacement, a ‘bad’ personal trainer with a long list of unhappy ex-clients worldwide, ASAP.

Cutting Fitness: It’s Good to be Selfish at the Gym!

Cutting Fitness: It’s Good to be Selfish at the Gym!

I was surfing the internet, like you are now. I found an article on ‘gym etiquette’ and realised what terrible advice it was.

“What’s wrong with their advice?” you ask.

“Everything,” I say.

Why on earth should there be ‘gym etiquette’. It’s not like you’ll bump into the Queen of England on the treadmill. No need to be prim and proper when you’re sweating buckets on the rowing boat machine, or doing the upside dog in the Bikram Yoga room.

“So how should I act at the gym?” you ask.

“Enough questions,” I say. “But since you asked…and took the time to post a comment (if the CEO of Sparkpeople could do it, surely you’ve got time). I’ll help.”

Here are four ways to be selfish, disgusting, etc at the gym. Feel free to share this information with your friends (Yes, both of them).

Be Messy

Every business has cleaners, so why should paying customers clean up after themselves? Let the gym take care of that! If a bin isn’t within arm’s reach, drop your litter on the floor. If wiping your sweat off the yoga mat takes too much effort, save your energy for your next workout. If you want to spit in the water foundation, go ahead. The water will wash it away.

Be a Gym Hog

When there’s a long queue at the gym, make sure you’re the one on the machine. If you want to run on the treadmill for three hours, nothing’s stopping you but you. If you want to use the elliptical to stretch, even though someone wants to exercise on it (why would they want to do that?) then stretch away. If they’ve got time to join a gym then they’ve got time to wait.

Be Loud

The last gym I joined had music playing on the loud speakers. If the gym can make lots of noise then surely paying customers can do the same, right?

Blast your ipod, dance around the gym with workout buddies, and let your wild side loose. Sing, shout, scream, and do whatever you please because you’ve paid your money. If anyone doesn’t like it, tough! You’ve got do what works for you, not someone else. If you need to roar like a woman in labour when you lift weights, ROAR, and lift, ROAR, and lift! Just remember how unimportant it is to breathe when you exert yourself.

Be Unhygienic

You’re supposed to sweat at the gym, right? I guess so, if you want to work ‘hard’. Anyway, usually sweat smells (Mine doesn’t, yours does). If you’re going to end up smelling when you’re done working out, what’s the point in washing before you hit the gym?

Don’t waste time brushing your teeth or taking a shower before you get fit. If you’re a morning exerciser, roll out of bed and straight on to the treadmill. Yes, you’ll be huffing and puffing so much that your morning breath will clear the gym, but then no more queues for the popular exercise machines!

Even better, don’t wash or use deodorant after your workout either. Smelling of fitness sweat during your everyday life shows how dedicated you are. Your body odour will inspire others to find a gym too, or at least back off so you get more personal space.

I know being selfish isn’t the obvious way to act at the gym, but think about it. At least try it! You paid A LOT of money to the use the gym, so act however you like. Yes, everyone else paid their money too, but what’s that got to do with you and me? You pay for your house, and act the way you want in it. You pay for your car, and act the way you want in it. You pay for the your gym, and?

Spread the word! It’s GOOD to be Selfish at the Gym!