With paleo and primal fitness taking the world by storm, I decided to cash in delve into this topic. In short, paleo and primal fitness involves going back to our roots. Not our parents or grandparents, but cavemen and prehistoric ancestors. Paleo and primal living means you eat and exercise freely, not obsessively, and cut down, or out, certain foods like grains and carbs. In contrast with most fitness programs, paleo and primal living are the ultimate freedom…
Okay, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get down to business!
If you’re going back to your roots, go ALL THE WAY! The cavemen and gals weren’t here first. Animals were. How many unfit dinosaurs were there? Exactly! Obviously animals know how to keep slim and trim, but which animal sets the best example? Cheetahs? Horses? Dogs? Don’t be silly! The obvious choices are…
1. SLOTHS: Slow as a Sloth!
Animal Fitness‘s exercise routine is simple because there isn’t one. No fitness charts for the next 60 days. No reps, sets, and exercises to memorise. No getting out of breath. No getting sweaty. Anyone can do this because there is only ONE, easy rule: Slow down.
To follow the way of the sloth, move slowly so you’ve got time to absorb your surroundings. Sloths move as fast as 2 metres per minute. In today’s fast paced world, it’s nice to have time to enjoy just being. Don’t move too quickly or you’ll burn lots of calories and end up with a hot, sexy body that’s perfect for the beach. We don’t want that! Move slower to lower your metabolism. A sluggish metabolism makes it harder to lose weight. This is brilliant for everyone who wants lose weight! Keep fighting!
2. ELEPHANTS: Eat like an Elephant!
Animal Fitness‘s nutrition is easy and enjoyable. There’s no low carb, low protein, low fat, low calorie, etc plans to follow. You won’t cut out meat, grains, fruit, food, etc. You won’t have to be non-alcoholic. Every animal does Intuitive Eatinglike this, not calorie counting or portion watching. Eat and drink to your heart’s desire like your pets do!
To follow the way of the elephant, elephants eat 300kg (approx 600lbs) a day. No more turning down tasty food or drinks. Eat, eat, and drink. It feels great when food in your stomach weighs more than you! My body weighs 135lbs right now, but stepping on the scale to see 700lbs+ always makes me smile. Last week the scale broke when I stepped on…Anyway, with my sloth-like metabolism, it’ll take a week for food to make it through my digestive system. Brilliant backlog!
3. CHAMELEONS: Commit like a Chameleon!
The so-called experts say we should commit to ONE routine for 4-6 weeks while it works it’s magic. What’s the alternative? Do a new workout every session, but eventually that gets boring too. What’s the right alternative? Animal Fitness! It takes a varied healthy lifestyle to a whole new level.
Chameleons blend with their surroundings. That’s the Animal Fitness way! If someone is jogging down the street, start jogging too. If someone is binge eating, stuff your face too. If someone is regaining, get fat again too. Make sure that you don’t stand out! Individuals do whatever it takes to get fit. They’re the ones with a six pack and gorgeous figure. Screw them! Why hit the gym with hot abs when you can be fat and unhappy with friends? Aw, good times…
So the next time you hear that Paleo nonsense or get the urge to Grok on Primal style, stick your fingers in your ears and run…slowly like a sloth. When you get home, eat everything in the kitchen like an elephant would. If you run out of food, binge at the supermarket instead. Don’t exercise unless others are – remember, chameleons aren’t individuals – and don’t go overboard or you’ll burn off the 600lbs of food!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you have not been waiting for…*drum roll and tambourine*
Cutting Fitness…The Musical Ebook!
You know how those ebook sales pitches are? Always loooooooong. WAY OVER THE TOP!! Persuasive.
You end up selling your soul for a 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.
Oh well. I’ve got to sell this ebook! This MUST be done…
Fat. Jiggly. Wiggly. PIGgly. Life sucks as a fat person.
Or does it…?
Yes. It does.
I know you want to ESCAPE the flab and finally be fab, but there’s something holding you back.
Money? Motivation? Mother Nature?
Whatever it is, you need help.
Let ME help YOU help YOURSELF!
It all started twenty years ago when I reached the grand old age of two. I was ‘chubby’, but most would say I was fat. Anyway, over the years I grew up and stayed fat. 5 yrs old? Fat. 10 yrs old? Fatter. 15 yrs old? Fattest. I went from struggling to fit into size 14s to bursting out of size 20s. What a sad time…
To cut a lifelong story short, I finally took action at the age of 17. It only took 6 yrs to reach my goal. I know other fitness programs promise results in 12 weeks, but, seriously, you shouldn’t rush these things. If I could’ve taken 10 yrs I would have. Don’t ask why I didn’t.
When I lost the weight, I finally noticed lots of other fatties. Something had to be done! I had to rescue them from their misery…for a fee, of course. I’ve got bills to pay. I sat down at my laptop and typed for hours and hours before finally logging off Facebook and getting down to business.
The result…Not much. I got bored and let my ideas simmer for a good while…a minute later, I returned and produced THE LAST FITNESS BOOK YOU WILL EVER BUY…
CUTTING FITNESS – HOW NOT TO BE FIT
I proudly present to you the future best-selling fitness ebook of all time! Cutting Fitness – How NOT To Be Fit (TM) gives the worst best fitness advice for anyone who’s sick and tired of squeezing into clothes. If you want fantastic results in DAYS or WEEKS, don’t buy this book. If you want some improvement eventually, my book might help. It might not. I don’t know. If you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness blog mailing list (Don’t say you didn’t notice the subscription box!), you’ll receive a whopping discount of up to 0.5%!
If you’re nosy and cheap, read on to see what’s in the book before you buy it. If you trust me, and know you’re getting your money’s worth, skip to the end to see the cost and pay up!
Chapter 1: About Zada Green…..Pages 1-100
This chapter shares my life story. Page 99 explains how I discovered the INCREDIBLE exercises and food in this book. Page 13 reveals why yellow isn’t my favourite colour anymore – it’s blue now! Pages 45-67 plug my other pen names: Zuni Blue, Zhane White, Zia Black and Zahra Brown.
Chapter 2: More About Zada Green…….Pages 101-109
Exclusive glossy photographs of me. Also features my favourite demotivational and confusing fitness quotes.
Chapter 3: How Cutting Fitness started…..Pages 110-200
Isn’t this self-explanatory? Goodness gracious…
Chapter 4: The Science Behind Cutting Fitness – How NOT To Be Fit…..Pages 201-509
This 300 page chapter BRIEFLY explains the biology, chemistry, and physics behind…stuff. If you want to know why I chose specific meal plans or exercises then skip this chapter. It won’t tell you. If you want endless amounts of boring, confusing research, DO NOT miss this section. It’s full of brilliant scientific jargon you won’t understand!
Chapter 5: How To Lose Fat….Pages 510-512
I HAD to include this because fitness always focuses on weight loss. There are two sentences for people who want to gain weight. I would’ve put more for the skinny people, but I couldn’t be bothered. I can’t do EVERYTHING, you know?
Chapter 6: How To Exercise….Page 513-513
Full of lots and LOTS of exercises and workouts that will completely confuse you. 10 sets of 60? Check! Bicep, tricep and ankle combos? Check! Equipment you can’t afford, can’t access, and didn’t know existed? You betcha! You’ll have to modify everything in this chapter – EVERYTHING, I say – unless you have a fully kitted gym with a HAWT fitness instructor at home.
Chapter 7: Affiliates……Pages 514-600
The real reason I wrote this book! At the very last minute, I decided to include a few hundred affiliates. Just click the link provided, buy their product(s), and don’t get your refund within the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee, okay? If you find any rolling subscriptions, BUY FROM THEM! I’ll get 75% commission when you get charged $59.99 each month!
Chapter 8: Bibliography….Pg 601-902
This was SO boring to write, and all because of that stupid scientific research I referenced! Show your appreciation by actually reading this bit.
Hurry! I’ll be removing these bonuses very, very, VERY soon (in 5 yrs or so), so buy today or miss out! Once they’re gone, they’re gone. I won’t fulfil any requests for them unless you pay me. A lot. In Sterling. No refunds.
BONUS #1: Printable Measuring Tape worth $29.99!
When the scale sucks (or breaks), the measuring tape is still your friend! See whether you’re getting fitter or fatter with this handy tool. Waste paper AND ink by printing this off your PC. This bonus comes in bright white with dark black numbers and markings. If you prefer other designs, colour it in yourself!
BONUS #2: Zada Green’s autograph in silver ink worth $64.83!
That’s right! Due to ridiculously low demand, I’ve included this heartfelt attachment. Place it under your pillow and dream of me. In your sleep, I’ll provide unlimited personal training sessions I’d charge upwards of $300 ph if we were awake. If you dribble over the autograph and ruin it, just send me a quick email and I’ll replace it…for $64.83. Don’t complain! I didn’t charge you the first time!
BONUS #3: Failure Stories booklet worth $32.54!
They’re all around us…the FAILURES! The ones who tried other fitness programs, lost the weight, and gained every pound back. They deserve it for not choosing my book! Why see Success Stories when you can see pitiful, disgusting failures? Do you want to be a failure? Darn right you don’t! Hiss, boo, and stick out your tongue at these failures’ photos. Use this program and I promise you won’t end up like them.
BONUS #4: Workout and Healthy Diet Diary worth $48.99!
This blank Word document is perfect for documenting your (lack of) progress. Just produce a pretty graph and stick it. Somewhere. If you want the Excel version, email me with your Paypal details. You’ll only get your software when payment clears. No exceptions will be made!
BONUS #5: Ebook by someone you’ve never heard of before now worth $14.99!
I don’t know who she is either. She needs the exposure. You don’t have to download this. I’m not.
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE TESTIMONIALS!
“Zada has produced amazing work. She’s an amazing person. I love her.” – Greg Smith, Researcher at a University
“I can’t believe she doesn’t charge MORE for this book! Greedy personal trainers and writers would charge AT LEAST ten times more!” – Jane Doe, Former Fatty
“This book changed my life. You can find everything inside it on the internet for FREE, but why not pay? Zada’s worked so hard on writing, editing, and distributing this book. She deserves lots of money for collecting all that free information so she could charge us for it…There! I said it. Will you feed me now?” – Green, Zada’s Dog
“What’re you waiting for? Just buy the book!” – Zada Green, No relation to Cutting Fitness’s Zada Green
HURRY! It’s a digital book, so copies are limited. First come, first serve. Don’t come, don’t serve. Get your credit/debit card out and INVEST in yourself. I, I mean, YOU deserve it! Just imagine how much better your life will be. If this book actually works, you’ll be a bit closer to the body of your dreams. However, you must act fast or this offer will be GONE FOREVER!
I know what you’re thinking. “Why hasn’t she given the cost yet? That means the book must be REALLY expensive!” Actually, misery guts, you’re right wrong. It’s very affordable, especially for the rich.
Before I give you the asking price, let me put it into perspective. If I don’t, you won’t buy the book. Trust me.
A private session with me costs $300 ph.
The book’s research cost at least $0, but it took AGES on Google. My time must be reimbursed.
The bonuses are worth a grand total of $191.34, but you’re getting them for FREE!
There’s other stuff I’m including too. They’re worth $80.14.
I almost forgot…The book is worth $249.96.
This gives a grand total of only $821.44.
Wait! Don’t run off yet! I HAVEN’T FINISHED!!!!!!
Remember, if you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness mailing list, you’ll get a discount of 0.5%, but only if you subscribe TODAY! Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next week. TODAY!
Anyway, the value of this life saving, amazing, fantastic, awesome, totally rad, pretty cool, rather neat, nice fitness package is $821.44.
You are NOT gonna pay that!
For the next 24hrs only, I’m providing the system on a trial basis. You’ll have 21 days to try out the program. If you don’t like it, I don’t like you. Ask for a refund and I’ll give your money back. MANY questions will be asked. If you don’t request a refund before the three weeks are up, tough luck! I’m charging the full cost. If I accidentally miss your email request to end the trial, don’t worry, I’ll still charge you. However, I AM a nice person, so you’ll still have the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.
So what’s the price?
I could have charged you a MASSIVE $821.44! That’s almost $900! That’s more than $800! Wow!
Just for today, the trial price will be…$39.99. What a drop! The full cost of the package will be only $139.99! That’s right, a HUGE SAVING of $681.45. Imagine what you’ll do with all that lovely money you’re SAVING!
Cutting Fitness…The Ebook!
THE SMALL PRINT
Nothing to see here…Move along!
Legal Notice: The Cutting Fitness – How NOT to Be Fit ebook includes membership to Zada Green’s Inner Circle. Basic membership costs $49.99 pw. Deluxe accounts cost $89.99 pw. This is a rolling subscription. If you forget to cancel the account, too bad! No refunds will be issued. Zada Green isn’t qualified in health and fitness, but she doesn’t have to tell you that. You should’ve asked. The book isn’t formatted, so don’t expect paragraphs, different fonts, page borders, photos or page numbers. Quantity, not quality! Zada Green lives in Great Britain – no, she hasn’t met the Queen – so she will charge VAT, which is currently a low, low 20%. This brings the ebook’s price to $167.99. Don’t moan! You’re still saving over $600! That’ll teach you for reading the small print.
Cutting Fitness: The PERFECT DIET: Fat, Protein, and Carbs Edition
I received countless emails from fans requesting how to construct the PERFECT DIET by balancing macro-nutrients (protein, fat, and carbs). I usually charge $40,000 annually or £99.99 per min for my expertise, but I’ll share my knowledge exclusively on Cutting Fitness for FREE because I’m in a good mood. Anyway, before I share the PERFECT DIET, I’m going to share what led to its conception.
It all started one hour ago when I read a weight loss e-book (yes, I’m still losing the last 15-20lbs! Don’t ask why it’s gone from ’10-15lbs’ to ’15-20lbs’. Remember the following famous passage: Thou shalt not be nosy by prying into other people’s business when it’s got nothing to do with you. You’re not perfect, so stop being so judgmental!). BACK ON TOPIC: The diet book’s author said a high protein, high fat, low carb diet is the perfect macro-nutrient ratio for weight loss.
“Great! You mean like Atkins, right?” I thought. “I’ll cut out bread, rice, vegetables, and fruit…but I’ll miss those tasty pancakes!”
Simple: HIGH protein, HIGH fat, LOW carb
There you have it! The Perfect….WAIT A MINUTE!
Another diet book said too much protein is bad for you. It causes a build up of ketones, which causes bad breath, body odour, etc. Also, carbs give you energy – your brain loves them! – so reduce protein instead. Eating lots of carbs means you’ll have the energy to exercise (Yippee…). Lose the fat too! Does overeating fat to lose fat sound logical? Exactly.
Simple: LOW protein, LOW fat, HIGH carb
Easy peasy! Now you know….HOLD IT, SISTER!
Atkins and Ketogenic Diets show that even though carbs are evil, going low carb causes fast weight loss. Why lose 1 pound a week when you could lose 5? Low carb diets cause fast results because carbs hold onto water from food, water (Duh!), salt/sodium, etc. Eat less carbs to lower your ‘water weight’. Who cares if the 5 pounds lost aren’t all fat? Hopefully at least 1 pound is!
Simple: LOW protein, LOW fat, LOW carb
Are we done yet? NOT SO FAST, CHICO!
If you want to build some nice toned muscles, you’ll need lots of protein. The protein repairs and builds the muscles so they’re stronger and sexier than ever before. Go too low on protein and your muscles will be non-existent and your body will use any extra calories eaten, for muscle gain, to make fat instead. One more thing: you’ll need extra fat too. Some discover eating extra protein doesn’t work half as well without extra fat! The good news? Eating more fat keeps you fuller for longer, so you won’t stuff your face like a pig anymore. Yes, you probably will.
Simple: HIGH protein, HIGH fat, LOW carb
Um…do you see our little problem? We’ve gone back to square one! See how misinformed other ‘professionals’ are? They can’t agree on something so simple. High this and low that turns into low this and high that overnight! At least now you’ve got me to reveal the right path.
So, the question is this: In the PERFECT DIET, should you eat high/low protein, fat or carbs?
I could have said the best option is to eat all three in moderation. Eat whatever you feel like on the day. Do your thing. Go with the flow, my brother. As long as the ratio of protein, fat, and carbs is moderate, you’ve got nothing to fear. Going to extremes in anything is generally a bad idea. Your body loves protein, fat, and carbs, so you should love them all too! If you prefer extreme high/low ratios for whatever reason, e.g. you’ve got an allergy or illness extreme ratios could ease or eradicate, then experiment and stick with dietary ratios suitable for YOU, not me or someone less beautiful. Just be careful, all right?
But I won’t say that garbage! It was too boring and quite long winded!
“So,” you ask again, “should I eat high/low protein, fat or carbs? What’s the PERFECT DIET?”
“Well, my child,” I say. “If you read this blog PROPERLY then you’d see I don’t know! I’m as confused as you are. Stop pestering me for so much information, all right? Just leave me alone for a few days. I need to meditate…”
“But at the start you promised to share your knowledge!” you hiss. “Did you lie, Zada? Did you waste my time for no friggin’ reason?”
“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” I say, backing away slowly. “Speaking of this blog’s introduction, I also wrote I charge $40,000 annually for my expertise, so pay up!”