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Cutting Fitness: 5 Amazing Things About Weight Loss Surgery!

Cutting Fitness: 5 Amazing Things About Weight Loss Surgery!

When exercise is tough, diet food tastes like poop (not that I’ve tried any…), and the scale has ground to a halt, what next? Exercise harder or longer? Nope. Eat healthy, but tasty, food? Course not! Measure yourself instead of weighing yourself? Common sense, but no…So, what? Have surgery! It’s risky, but it’s worth the risk, right?

First amazing thing about surgery…Saggy skin!

Weight loss surgery causes weight loss, but the skin that’s been stretched will either stay stretched or SLOWLY shrink back. People may find that they qualify for weight loss surgery assistance (financially), but not excess skin removal. This leaves them with piles of saggy skin hiding their new beach bodies.

Second amazing thing about surgery…Regain!

Surgery doesn’t stop you from regaining. In fact, it doesn’t even guarantee you’ll lose. People assume that a small stomach will stop you from regaining. Fortunately, it doesn’t. Overeating or binge eating stretches the stomach back out where it belongs. The bigger it gets, the more you can/will eat, the more weight you’ll regain. It’ll feel great to be back at square one with a massive hole in your massive pocket.

Third amazing thing about surgery…Starvation!

Gastric bypass involves shortening organs like the intestines and cutting off most of the stomach. This forces you to eat less, whether you like it or not. Enjoy intense hunger you can’t fulfil. Why? You ask. A smaller stomach is easy to fill, isn’t it? Yes, if you can keep the food down…

Fourth amazing thing about surgery…Vomit and poo!

Look forward to vomiting your meals up, from both ends. People have reported that weight loss surgery makes them vomit, pee, and/or poo involuntarily. Just imagine a night out with friends. You’re on the dance floor, getting down to the music, when you realise you’ve pooed. Good times!

Fifth amazing thing about surgery…Death!

Starvation leaves you malnourished. When your body doesn’t get the vitamins and nutrients it needs, there’s trouble. Deficiencies leave you more vulnerable to everything from aches and pains to cancer. Combine this with vomit and poo – food your body failed to process – and you’ll be a walking corpse before long. Then you won’t be walking.

Of course, it’s better to die bony than live fat, right?

Cutting Fitness: 5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Lift Weights

Cutting Fitness: 5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Lift Weights

Aerobics, dancing, running, and much more. Women really can do it all. They need to keep fit now they’re more active outside the home. No matter how fantastically fit they become, there is one exercise they’re still not allowed to do. The one, the only, strength training. Women can climb every mountain, conquer every continent, and swim every sea, but they are forbidden from lifting more than a two-pound dumbbell. Here are five reasons why.

1. Metabolism Booster

It’s a myth that a pound of muscle burns 50 calories a day. However, muscle does burn more than fat, three times more. Just 10 pounds of extra muscle a year would burn off almost twenty-two thousand calories. Muscle also burns extra calories during exercise, so you’ll get another boost! This is a disaster because women should not burn extra calories. The more calories you burn, the more you can eat. Women aren’t supposed to eat too much.

2. Sexy Definition

Some people don’t like women with defined bodies. Muscular biceps, triceps, thighs, and calves are avoided by not doing strength training. Women can easily avoid celebrity abs, toned arms, and firm thighs by avoiding strength training. Normal women should stick with the saggy, flabby, jiggly look.

3. Time-Saver

Another myth is that exercise should take hours a day. It’s the perfect excuse for people not to bother exercising at all. For once, an excuse is a good thing! Intense strength training boosts your metabolism for up to 24 hours after your session ends. This means you could do as little as 15 minutes today and keep burning calories until tomorrow. Cardio calorie burn only lasts up to an hour after you finish. Ladies, keep doing those three-hour exercise marathons. Let the men do quick sessions and get on with their busy lives.

4. Aerobic

Yes, strength training is also aerobic. Just watch an intense strength training to see the buckets of sweat, pink puffy cheeks, and out-of-breath men struggling to lift that dumbbell. Lifting weights, even very slowly, works the body hard. Your muscles, joints, bones, and fat are working harder than ever, so it’s natural that you get out of breath. Of course women shouldn’t do this. They should stick with hours of cardio aerobics instead of brief, effective workouts with weights.

5. Strong Bones

Speaking of joints and bones, strength training works them too. This might not seem like a big deal when you’re young, but it will during your twilight years. For women, menstrual cycles drain our bodies of iron, which weakens our bones and joints. When we hit menopause, old age sets in, so our bones and joints don’t get a chance to recover. Good. Women should have weak bones and joints because then we’re at risk of anaemia, osteoporosis, and general aches and pains. You’ll enjoy doing hours of cardio with bad knees and exhaustion (anaemia does that…). Oh well.

A higher metabolism, a celebrity body, more spare time, better fitness, and strong bones for life are five reasons why women shouldn’t strength train. The life improvement lifting weights causes should be for men only. Women can stick with cardio and tiny dumbbells a baby could lift while men will get the fantastic benefits of weight lifting.
Sounds fair to me.

Cutting Fitness: Best of the Worst – Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up

Cutting Fitness: Best of the Worst – Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up

It’s time for the first another episode of Best of the Worst: Weekly Fitness Blog Round-Up. Each week I’ll share two of the best of the worst fitness blogs I’ve found. I’ll provide a brief quote to show how bad the blog post is. Go there and read the rest at your own peril. I won’t come to rescue you…

‘You Are Not Bound by a Number’ by Diane, FIT TO THE FINISH

“I’d encourage you to set goals that are appropriate for yourself, but don’t be bound by the magic number […] your “inner voice” knows what is a healthy weight for you.” – Fit To The Finish, Source.

Unfortunately for Diane, this is some terrible advice. The rest of the blog post was even worse.

It’s easy to ignore the scale, measurements, and percentages, but this is the WRONG thing to do. When you obsess over figures and dates, you get depressed if you don’t meet impossible expectations. You’ll reach a number you assumed would make you happy, but it doesn’t, so you’ll just binge your way back to your starting weight. You’ll feel even worse as the lost fat returns, but you shouldn’t because regaining after weight loss is an achievement. That’s why so many do it! Repeat the regain process like other dieters do: Fat and thin, up and down, back and forth, forever and ever.

Yes, others like Diane think there’s more to life than freaking out over numbers. You could focus on general fitness, happiness, health, and various other goals you achieved on your fitness journey. Maybe your endurance is better than ever. Maybe you didn’t overeat for five consecutive days. Maybe you walked across town instead of driving. There are always more non-weight related successes to celebrate, which means there are many chances to feel proud. It shows that so many good things can happen whether the scale rewards you or not…Is there more to life than your weight?

Nah! That’s a load of nonsense!

See what Diane’s done? Her positive, inspirational blog is corrupting my mind. Help!

Even More Weight Loss Tips and Tricks‘ by Jack, JACK SH*T, GETTIN’ FIT

“One way to get more exercise while sitting on the sofa and watching TV is to get up and go exercise.” – Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, Source.

Need I say more? This fitness humour should be against the law…

Jack shares more on the blog post, but it’ll make you laugh so don’t go there! Even worse, when you look past the humour you realise he’s actually giving great advice. Jack, you disappoint me! We can’t have people following such good advice and getting fit. This messes with the diet industry’s plan for world domination! Instead, learn the lessons he disguised behind wit, and do the opposite. This will help you fall way off the wagon and regain lots of fat ASAP!

That’s it for today. There’ll be more next week.

PS. If I don’t post next week it means I’ve either forgotten or been kidnapped by Diane and Jack as revenge for showing how terribly motivational their blogs are (Yuck!!!!!!). Oh well. I’ll be back….