Counting calories sucks! All that measuring, weighing, counting, and tracking leads to severe feelings of deprivation. You can’t eat this and you can’t eat that because you’re obsessing over macronutrients all the time. First you start with only counting calories. Soon you move on to tracking carbs, protein, and fat. Then you freak out if your Vitamin A/B/C/D/Q (?) is too low. You know you’ll just DIE if you don’t get enough Iron and Calcium and…
Thank goodness there’s another way….a better way…a new way…INTUITIVE EATING, the close friend of PORTION CONTROL. Finally fat people have discovered the closely guarded secret of the naturally skinny. Will it work for us? There’s only one way to find out…
Here are 5 Easy Steps to Intuitive Eating. Enjoy!
Step One – Binge
You’ve probably heard that Intuitive Eating involves only eating when you’re hungry. So-called experts say you should wait for ‘true’ hunger before eating. True hunger is your stomach grumbling, you feeling faint, you getting grouchy, etc. False hunger is your brain saying it’s time to eat or craving some food you’ve just smelt. Apparently this is what naturally skinny people do. Well, screw them all! Do I sound jealous? I totally am, damn it am not. Not at all.
Instead of copying what slim Intuitive Eaters do, follow fat ones. First of all, overweight people who follow Intuitive Eating binge. Decide what type of binge eater you’ll are, and overeat. Clear out the fridge. Go to buffets and devour everything on the table…You might eat the table too, but that’s a tad weird if you’re still sober. Eat whatever you like! Be free of nutrition labels! Eat to your heart’s content!
2. HUGE Portions Only
Intuitive Eaters avoid counting calories by only eating reasonable portions. They might take a fist-sized portion of whatever they want to eat and not eat seconds unless they’re still hungry. This is supposed to stop them from overeating. They consume enough for their size and weight, and nothing more. I’ve got a better idea…
Why have a fist-sized portion when you can enjoy a thigh-sized portion instead? Yes, you read that correctly. Take thigh-sized portions of everything you eat. As you lose weight your thigh will get smaller, and so will your portions. Smaller portions means less calories, which is handy because your metabolism decreases as you get smaller. Don’t worry about getting bigger plates. Just stack your food sky high or go back for seconds, thirds, tenths, hundredths, etc.
3. Unhealthy Food
Intuitive Eaters mostly eat healthy food. They say Intuitive Eating healthy, natural, unrefined food leaves us more satisfied and fuller than high calorie junk you wouldn’t feed a street rat. Apparently, this wholesome food also curbs cravings for unhealthy, refined junk because healthy stuff provides everything we need. Yeah, sure…
Would you rather have a burger or a salad? I agree. Yes, you could have a colourful, nutritional, filling, tasty salad with a meaty side dish…but I know you’d rather have a greasy, oily, vomit-inducing burger full of ingredients you can’t pronounce and didn’t know existed. If you see a salad, run for the hills, and beyond if the salad gives chase!
4. Live To Eat – Eat Until You Die
Usually Intuitive Eating involves breaking the connection between you and food. If you’re an emotional eater you probably eat to ease stress, numb your feelings, etc. Only eating to fuel your body means you’ve got to confront your problems and deal with them. In theory, you’ll become a fitter and stronger person, physically and mentally, because you’ve solved your problems AND broken your food addiction. Phew! The logical nonsense is over…
People say you should ‘Eat to live’, but I always say you should ‘Live to eat’. Plan your entire being around your next meal. Fantasise all day about dinner. Dream at night about breakfast. Let lunch be the highlight of your day, week, and even your year. Food will come first before anything else, including family, friends, and health. Live to eat until you die.
5. Stuff Your Stomach
Intuitive Eating is ‘intuitive’, so you should stop eating before you feel uncomfortably full. Some people even stop before they’re full. Over time, your stomach shrinks to compensate for having less food. A smaller stomach gets full quicker, so you’ll naturally eat less in time. Bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s much better to stuff your stomach. If you’ve got a flat stomach with sexy abs, you’re doing this fitness jazz all wrong. Eat until you look pregnant (second trimester). The extra food will stretch out your stomach so it fits more food inside, which means it’ll take longer to get full. This means you’ll eat more and more over time until you’ve regained all the weight and then some. There’s no shame in this. Just join one of the ‘Fat and Happy’ crews lurking somewhere.
Of course this intuitive lifestyle also applies to drinking water and being active. Who craves water like people crave alcohol and fruit juice? No one! Who jumps out of bed each morning to run 2 miles before work because they like it? No one! If you want water, drink it, but I bet you won’t. If you want to exercise, do it, but I bet you won’t. Just chill out and go back to the old habits that made you fat in the first place.
Intuitive Eating is definitely for everyone, no matter whether you’re losing fat, gaining weight or maintaining a healthy size. Trust your body and believe it will show you the right path to that size 30 bikini. No big deal.
Cutting Fitness: Free Your Inner Animal! Animal Fitness Exclusive!
With paleo and primal fitness taking the world by storm, I decided to cash in delve into this topic. In short, paleo and primal fitness involves going back to our roots. Not our parents or grandparents, but cavemen and prehistoric ancestors. Paleo and primal living means you eat and exercise freely, not obsessively, and cut down, or out, certain foods like grains and carbs. In contrast with most fitness programs, paleo and primal living are the ultimate freedom…
Okay, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get down to business!
If you’re going back to your roots, go ALL THE WAY! The cavemen and gals weren’t here first. Animals were. How many unfit dinosaurs were there? Exactly! Obviously animals know how to keep slim and trim, but which animal sets the best example? Cheetahs? Horses? Dogs? Don’t be silly! The obvious choices are…
1. SLOTHS: Slow as a Sloth!
Animal Fitness‘s exercise routine is simple because there isn’t one. No fitness charts for the next 60 days. No reps, sets, and exercises to memorise. No getting out of breath. No getting sweaty. Anyone can do this because there is only ONE, easy rule: Slow down.
To follow the way of the sloth, move slowly so you’ve got time to absorb your surroundings. Sloths move as fast as 2 metres per minute. In today’s fast paced world, it’s nice to have time to enjoy just being. Don’t move too quickly or you’ll burn lots of calories and end up with a hot, sexy body that’s perfect for the beach. We don’t want that! Move slower to lower your metabolism. A sluggish metabolism makes it harder to lose weight. This is brilliant for everyone who wants lose weight! Keep fighting!
2. ELEPHANTS: Eat like an Elephant!
Animal Fitness‘s nutrition is easy and enjoyable. There’s no low carb, low protein, low fat, low calorie, etc plans to follow. You won’t cut out meat, grains, fruit, food, etc. You won’t have to be non-alcoholic. Every animal does Intuitive Eatinglike this, not calorie counting or portion watching. Eat and drink to your heart’s desire like your pets do!
To follow the way of the elephant, elephants eat 300kg (approx 600lbs) a day. No more turning down tasty food or drinks. Eat, eat, and drink. It feels great when food in your stomach weighs more than you! My body weighs 135lbs right now, but stepping on the scale to see 700lbs+ always makes me smile. Last week the scale broke when I stepped on…Anyway, with my sloth-like metabolism, it’ll take a week for food to make it through my digestive system. Brilliant backlog!
3. CHAMELEONS: Commit like a Chameleon!
The so-called experts say we should commit to ONE routine for 4-6 weeks while it works it’s magic. What’s the alternative? Do a new workout every session, but eventually that gets boring too. What’s the right alternative? Animal Fitness! It takes a varied healthy lifestyle to a whole new level.
Chameleons blend with their surroundings. That’s the Animal Fitness way! If someone is jogging down the street, start jogging too. If someone is binge eating, stuff your face too. If someone is regaining, get fat again too. Make sure that you don’t stand out! Individuals do whatever it takes to get fit. They’re the ones with a six pack and gorgeous figure. Screw them! Why hit the gym with hot abs when you can be fat and unhappy with friends? Aw, good times…
So the next time you hear that Paleo nonsense or get the urge to Grok on Primal style, stick your fingers in your ears and run…slowly like a sloth. When you get home, eat everything in the kitchen like an elephant would. If you run out of food, binge at the supermarket instead. Don’t exercise unless others are – remember, chameleons aren’t individuals – and don’t go overboard or you’ll burn off the 600lbs of food!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you have not been waiting for…*drum roll and tambourine*
Cutting Fitness…The Musical Ebook!
You know how those ebook sales pitches are? Always loooooooong. WAY OVER THE TOP!! Persuasive.
You end up selling your soul for a 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.
Oh well. I’ve got to sell this ebook! This MUST be done…
Fat. Jiggly. Wiggly. PIGgly. Life sucks as a fat person.
Or does it…?
Yes. It does.
I know you want to ESCAPE the flab and finally be fab, but there’s something holding you back.
Money? Motivation? Mother Nature?
Whatever it is, you need help.
Let ME help YOU help YOURSELF!
It all started twenty years ago when I reached the grand old age of two. I was ‘chubby’, but most would say I was fat. Anyway, over the years I grew up and stayed fat. 5 yrs old? Fat. 10 yrs old? Fatter. 15 yrs old? Fattest. I went from struggling to fit into size 14s to bursting out of size 20s. What a sad time…
To cut a lifelong story short, I finally took action at the age of 17. It only took 6 yrs to reach my goal. I know other fitness programs promise results in 12 weeks, but, seriously, you shouldn’t rush these things. If I could’ve taken 10 yrs I would have. Don’t ask why I didn’t.
When I lost the weight, I finally noticed lots of other fatties. Something had to be done! I had to rescue them from their misery…for a fee, of course. I’ve got bills to pay. I sat down at my laptop and typed for hours and hours before finally logging off Facebook and getting down to business.
The result…Not much. I got bored and let my ideas simmer for a good while…a minute later, I returned and produced THE LAST FITNESS BOOK YOU WILL EVER BUY…
CUTTING FITNESS – HOW NOT TO BE FIT
I proudly present to you the future best-selling fitness ebook of all time! Cutting Fitness – How NOT To Be Fit (TM) gives the worst best fitness advice for anyone who’s sick and tired of squeezing into clothes. If you want fantastic results in DAYS or WEEKS, don’t buy this book. If you want some improvement eventually, my book might help. It might not. I don’t know. If you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness blog mailing list (Don’t say you didn’t notice the subscription box!), you’ll receive a whopping discount of up to 0.5%!
If you’re nosy and cheap, read on to see what’s in the book before you buy it. If you trust me, and know you’re getting your money’s worth, skip to the end to see the cost and pay up!
Chapter 1: About Zada Green…..Pages 1-100
This chapter shares my life story. Page 99 explains how I discovered the INCREDIBLE exercises and food in this book. Page 13 reveals why yellow isn’t my favourite colour anymore – it’s blue now! Pages 45-67 plug my other pen names: Zuni Blue, Zhane White, Zia Black and Zahra Brown.
Chapter 2: More About Zada Green…….Pages 101-109
Exclusive glossy photographs of me. Also features my favourite demotivational and confusing fitness quotes.
Chapter 3: How Cutting Fitness started…..Pages 110-200
Isn’t this self-explanatory? Goodness gracious…
Chapter 4: The Science Behind Cutting Fitness – How NOT To Be Fit…..Pages 201-509
This 300 page chapter BRIEFLY explains the biology, chemistry, and physics behind…stuff. If you want to know why I chose specific meal plans or exercises then skip this chapter. It won’t tell you. If you want endless amounts of boring, confusing research, DO NOT miss this section. It’s full of brilliant scientific jargon you won’t understand!
Chapter 5: How To Lose Fat….Pages 510-512
I HAD to include this because fitness always focuses on weight loss. There are two sentences for people who want to gain weight. I would’ve put more for the skinny people, but I couldn’t be bothered. I can’t do EVERYTHING, you know?
Chapter 6: How To Exercise….Page 513-513
Full of lots and LOTS of exercises and workouts that will completely confuse you. 10 sets of 60? Check! Bicep, tricep and ankle combos? Check! Equipment you can’t afford, can’t access, and didn’t know existed? You betcha! You’ll have to modify everything in this chapter – EVERYTHING, I say – unless you have a fully kitted gym with a HAWT fitness instructor at home.
Chapter 7: Affiliates……Pages 514-600
The real reason I wrote this book! At the very last minute, I decided to include a few hundred affiliates. Just click the link provided, buy their product(s), and don’t get your refund within the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee, okay? If you find any rolling subscriptions, BUY FROM THEM! I’ll get 75% commission when you get charged $59.99 each month!
Chapter 8: Bibliography….Pg 601-902
This was SO boring to write, and all because of that stupid scientific research I referenced! Show your appreciation by actually reading this bit.
Hurry! I’ll be removing these bonuses very, very, VERY soon (in 5 yrs or so), so buy today or miss out! Once they’re gone, they’re gone. I won’t fulfil any requests for them unless you pay me. A lot. In Sterling. No refunds.
BONUS #1: Printable Measuring Tape worth $29.99!
When the scale sucks (or breaks), the measuring tape is still your friend! See whether you’re getting fitter or fatter with this handy tool. Waste paper AND ink by printing this off your PC. This bonus comes in bright white with dark black numbers and markings. If you prefer other designs, colour it in yourself!
BONUS #2: Zada Green’s autograph in silver ink worth $64.83!
That’s right! Due to ridiculously low demand, I’ve included this heartfelt attachment. Place it under your pillow and dream of me. In your sleep, I’ll provide unlimited personal training sessions I’d charge upwards of $300 ph if we were awake. If you dribble over the autograph and ruin it, just send me a quick email and I’ll replace it…for $64.83. Don’t complain! I didn’t charge you the first time!
BONUS #3: Failure Stories booklet worth $32.54!
They’re all around us…the FAILURES! The ones who tried other fitness programs, lost the weight, and gained every pound back. They deserve it for not choosing my book! Why see Success Stories when you can see pitiful, disgusting failures? Do you want to be a failure? Darn right you don’t! Hiss, boo, and stick out your tongue at these failures’ photos. Use this program and I promise you won’t end up like them.
BONUS #4: Workout and Healthy Diet Diary worth $48.99!
This blank Word document is perfect for documenting your (lack of) progress. Just produce a pretty graph and stick it. Somewhere. If you want the Excel version, email me with your Paypal details. You’ll only get your software when payment clears. No exceptions will be made!
BONUS #5: Ebook by someone you’ve never heard of before now worth $14.99!
I don’t know who she is either. She needs the exposure. You don’t have to download this. I’m not.
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE TESTIMONIALS!
“Zada has produced amazing work. She’s an amazing person. I love her.” – Greg Smith, Researcher at a University
“I can’t believe she doesn’t charge MORE for this book! Greedy personal trainers and writers would charge AT LEAST ten times more!” – Jane Doe, Former Fatty
“This book changed my life. You can find everything inside it on the internet for FREE, but why not pay? Zada’s worked so hard on writing, editing, and distributing this book. She deserves lots of money for collecting all that free information so she could charge us for it…There! I said it. Will you feed me now?” – Green, Zada’s Dog
“What’re you waiting for? Just buy the book!” – Zada Green, No relation to Cutting Fitness’s Zada Green
HURRY! It’s a digital book, so copies are limited. First come, first serve. Don’t come, don’t serve. Get your credit/debit card out and INVEST in yourself. I, I mean, YOU deserve it! Just imagine how much better your life will be. If this book actually works, you’ll be a bit closer to the body of your dreams. However, you must act fast or this offer will be GONE FOREVER!
I know what you’re thinking. “Why hasn’t she given the cost yet? That means the book must be REALLY expensive!” Actually, misery guts, you’re right wrong. It’s very affordable, especially for the rich.
Before I give you the asking price, let me put it into perspective. If I don’t, you won’t buy the book. Trust me.
A private session with me costs $300 ph.
The book’s research cost at least $0, but it took AGES on Google. My time must be reimbursed.
The bonuses are worth a grand total of $191.34, but you’re getting them for FREE!
There’s other stuff I’m including too. They’re worth $80.14.
I almost forgot…The book is worth $249.96.
This gives a grand total of only $821.44.
Wait! Don’t run off yet! I HAVEN’T FINISHED!!!!!!
Remember, if you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness mailing list, you’ll get a discount of 0.5%, but only if you subscribe TODAY! Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next week. TODAY!
Anyway, the value of this life saving, amazing, fantastic, awesome, totally rad, pretty cool, rather neat, nice fitness package is $821.44.
You are NOT gonna pay that!
For the next 24hrs only, I’m providing the system on a trial basis. You’ll have 21 days to try out the program. If you don’t like it, I don’t like you. Ask for a refund and I’ll give your money back. MANY questions will be asked. If you don’t request a refund before the three weeks are up, tough luck! I’m charging the full cost. If I accidentally miss your email request to end the trial, don’t worry, I’ll still charge you. However, I AM a nice person, so you’ll still have the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.
So what’s the price?
I could have charged you a MASSIVE $821.44! That’s almost $900! That’s more than $800! Wow!
Just for today, the trial price will be…$39.99. What a drop! The full cost of the package will be only $139.99! That’s right, a HUGE SAVING of $681.45. Imagine what you’ll do with all that lovely money you’re SAVING!
Cutting Fitness…The Ebook!
THE SMALL PRINT
Nothing to see here…Move along!
Legal Notice: The Cutting Fitness – How NOT to Be Fit ebook includes membership to Zada Green’s Inner Circle. Basic membership costs $49.99 pw. Deluxe accounts cost $89.99 pw. This is a rolling subscription. If you forget to cancel the account, too bad! No refunds will be issued. Zada Green isn’t qualified in health and fitness, but she doesn’t have to tell you that. You should’ve asked. The book isn’t formatted, so don’t expect paragraphs, different fonts, page borders, photos or page numbers. Quantity, not quality! Zada Green lives in Great Britain – no, she hasn’t met the Queen – so she will charge VAT, which is currently a low, low 20%. This brings the ebook’s price to $167.99. Don’t moan! You’re still saving over $600! That’ll teach you for reading the small print.