We know each other well enough for me to share part of my weight loss story. I’ll start and end at the beginning. As you know, I’ve lost almost 80lbs and have 10-15lbs to go, depending on whether I want a string bikini or not. Meow!

Back on topic! One day I overhead someone call me fat, which started a brief argument. I don’t remember it word for word – it was almost five years ago – but it went something like this.

“I’m not fat!”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m big boned.”

“No. You are fat.”

“No, I’m chubby.”

“‘Chubby’ is another word for ‘Fat’.”

“It’s baby fat!”

“Baby fat? You haven’t been a baby for 16yrs!”

By the way, this argument was between Zada and me. Yes, I was arguing with myself. No, I don’t need to be committed. No, I don’t have to explain why I sometimes refer to myself as ‘You’. My therapist and counsellor say it’s perfectly normal. Moving SWIFTLY along…

It got me thinking. How can you tell when someone is fat? More importantly, how can you tell when you are fat?

Due to popular demand, I devised this test for everyone who wants to know whether they are fat. I know the media has its own idea of who is fat or not, but here is mine. Feel free to add yours in the comments section. Or not.

Answer the following questions truthfully. If you lie, you’re not telling the truth.

1. Do your thighs rub together?

2. Are your upper arms saggy?

3. Does your stomach stick out further than your butt?

4. Do you have fat rolls?

5. Do you want to lose weight?

6. Are you fat/big/overweight/obese/chubby/chunky/baby fat?

If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, you’re not fat.

Your thighs rub together because your skirt is too tight. Stop being such a tease and loosen up.

Your arms sag because the muscle pushes the skin down and shakes it around when you wave. That’s not fat jiggling, that’s skin, blood vessels, etc.

Your stomach sticks out further than your butt because you’re pregnant. (This only applies to females!)

Those aren’t fat rolls they’re…Um…

You only want to lose weight because of ‘The Man’, the media, and the fashion industry. They want everyone to starve, so don’t give in! Eat, girlfriend, eat!

Basically, you’re not fat. You’re not skinny, slim or ‘thick’ either, but you’re definitely not fat.

Are you?

Note: Please, Britney, stop calling me! I won’t be your fitness trainer anymore. I’ve given you an amazing body, now please leave me be! Hire someone else. You earn $80 million a year and still don’t pay me enough!

Second note: Seriously, though, Britney doesn’t call me. She emails instead via the contact page. Really. It’s true. Don’t H.A.T.E. Anyone know how to block her IP address? Somebody? Anybody?